I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
