Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
