He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
