I'm really into asian looking animals
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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