chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
should my penis look like a turkey
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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