NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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