My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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