I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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