apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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