i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My bed smells like the plague
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize