So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
