do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
