Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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