even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
