Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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