my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
