tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
