He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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