I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
