Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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