Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
