apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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