bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
