I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
