So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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