The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
