There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
