I just threw up on my dentist
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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