don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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