YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
