The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
