Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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