I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
