it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize