Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize