All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have aggressive nipples.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
