Why are handjobs necessary in class?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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