Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
God has nothing to do with this.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away