I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit