that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
