She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
