no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
