There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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