i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
