You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
True strength comes from lack of pants
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
