a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
