If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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