I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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