My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
