Umm I'm too high to move.
I cannot find my penis.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
