Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
