I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How does one acquire holy water?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
