I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
