Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
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Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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