I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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