Plan B is the new Plan A
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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