The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
