I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
