I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
